I came here the first week of March after an appoi...

I came here the first week of March after an appointment at Lutheran Community Services where my psychiatrist ignored my complaints about a medication that was affecting me so extremely that I didn't want to take it anymore (my suicidal thoughts increased when I started this certain med). He, for lack of better words, gave up on me. So, I just head outside, close my eyes, and try to kill myself by walking head on into traffic. Instead of it happening, I end up at the Providence E.R.

I can easily say that I still wish I would've just off'd myself instead of coming here. Out of all the staff in the E.R department, I can say that maybe two of the nurses, and the security officer treated me like I was human. Yeah, I was hysterical because I was one inch from ending it and didn't, for some reason.

But here's the thing: All I wanted was to not take the medication they offered, because I had been prescribed it in the past and knew I had bad side effects toward it. Multiple times I was told by different nurses "The doctor says you take this or nothing at all." Word for word. Multiple times, from multiple staff. They would say that, turn on their toes and walk out. So they let me panic for hours until they brought a group of people in to try to hold me down and inject this medication in me that I refused because of negative side effects. I try to tell the nurse with the the needle why I didn't want the medication, and she just rolled her eyes at me and turned her head away in disgust.

That's when I realized that they didn't see me as a human being. I said right then and there pointing to my fiancee that if they stick me with that and something happens, he's my witness. They moved real quick to find me the doctor, who then just kind of raised his voice at me because I don't know what medication helps with what I was going through. I say Benadryl just to get them all out of my face, because at this point I was done with getting "help". And of course they told my fiancee to leave and didn't even allow me to say goodbye.

All night long I was treated with disrespect. They played with my emotions, laughed at me, and separated me and my family. They lied to my family about my status and condition and spoke to them in an uncaring tone. I wanted to be transferred and was laughed at, I stood up to relax a little while watching TV and they turned it off on me, stating that I was breaking a rule. They looked straight past me. This was akin to how I was treated by an abuse when I was a child, it was too much for me because of my PTSD.

I have to say that once I was transferred upstairs it was a completely different atmosphere. The social workers and staff up there were the ones who really bent over backwards to help me. They listened, truly. I will always be thankful for them and haven't one negative thing to say about them. They are the ones you need to talk to.

Sadly, that didn't change the extreme mistrust I had developed, and I kind of just got out as quick as possible because I feared for my safety and being cut off from my family again.

I'm college educated. I'm employed. I have friends and family and I love animals and I do art. What I'm saying, is that I'm a functioning human. I had a moment where I was down though, and they kicked me. I had received a letter after my complaints a week or two later, it said they looked into the matter and how the care I was given was appropriate. In other words, nothing was done. Cool beans.

I've given up on therapy now. I haven't sought out help since going there, and I don't intend to seek out help if things should ever get as bad as it did a few weeks ago. I don't trust doctors or hospitals anymore, and will never seek out help for my mental health again. This not a place you go to receive mental health help. If you have no choice but here, make sure you have an advocate, social worker, family member, anyone who knows you or is actually qualified with mental health matters looking out for you everyday you're there. Take names of everyone you meet.

I'm sorry I ever tried to get help here.