Cody Payne

Review of Center Orthopedic & Neurosurge...

To those considering making a sojourn to The Cent...

To those considering making a sojourn to The Center Orthopedic & Neurosurgical Care & Research clinic, you are on the precipice of a truly excellent life choice. Let this brief write-up help guide you through your experience to come:

Your journey begins with a check-in at the reception desk, where one of The Center s helpful receptionists will dutifully and compassionately attend to your needs. Rest assured, all receptionists have been hand-selected to be devoid of any semblance of personality, politeness, or cordiality, and are highly trained in such skills as: 1) acting inconvenienced by your need for medical attention; 2) appearing bored and as though they d rather be anywhere else, doing anything else besides, well, their job; and 3) mastery of general surliness.

Next, you will be whisked to a most comfortable waiting area, equipped with the latest in questionably sterile chair technology. After a brief wait, one of The Center s operations administrators (not to be confused with a medically trained nurse) will greet you with a friendly scowl. He ll churlishly fire off a battery of questions to help you settle in and ensure that your medical needs are addressed to the highest standard; did you know, it turns out the best medical treatment is ensuring that The Center is able to extract as much money from you as possible. For instance, if you come in wanting to ask about two separate issues, say, bruising associated with De Quervain s tenosynovitis in your left wrist and pain after a 12-mile run in your right knee, you will be gently objurgated for not making two separate appoints for each (minor) issue. This is because The Center cares about you, the patient, and is certainly not concerned about maximizing their profit margin. And don t worry, should you forget, The Center s administrative staff will be there to castigate you for your gross oversight, and will then ensure that you are seen by the best and most condescending PA available. Doctor? you ask. Where do you think you are, Canada?

The Center would never treat its patients like cattle, with medical issues to be milked for maximum profit, and the staff of The Center are always respectful and understanding, delivering a high level of compassionate care. It is for these reasons The Center has earned the highly esteemed rating of one star.

Also, when traveling outside the continental United States, consider visiting some of The Center s recently opened satellite clinics, located for your convenience in:

Hoeryong camp, North Korea
Xinjiang re-education camp, China
Sednaya correctional facility, Syria
Sabaneta correctional facility, Venezuela

Options to explore before resigning yourself to a visit to The Center include, but are not limited to:

1. Walking it off, or, if your legs are broken or otherwise inoperable, crawling it off.
2. Drinking copious amounts of alcohol (turpentine will work in a pinch) to numb any pain you may be experiencing; the stronger the spirit, the better, and remember, spirits are most effective when ingested undiluted and as rapidly as possible.
3. Seek medical attention in Mexico, the drive is well worth it if it means avoiding The Center.
4. Consider severing any affected limb(s) yourself; is the limb(s) something you really need? Is it worth a trip to The Center to keep it?
5. Visit a witch doctor, the holistic thing is all the rage these days, ayahuasca anyone?