I am here to warn citizens of a truth some may not...

I am here to warn citizens of a truth some may not be ready for. A recent review of Swanson's by Antonio Maruccetti detailed the grueling process of becoming a citizen of the esteemed, pristine Swanson's Christmas Village. This is accurate. When I moved to Seattle in the mid 90's, I had no home. As a well-known (even famous in the west) elfin Prince, I knew that it would be difficult to find a neighborhood I truly "fit in" in. In my old neighborhood, children often mocked me, kicked me, poisoned me, beat me... often, attempts on my life were made. This is the price of fame. I heard about the Christmas Village in late October '98, and immediately put in my application to become a full time citizen. As an elf, I assumed I would be a sure fit. I speak Santeese fluently, attend ceremonies weekly, already am well-versed in all of our religion's readings, most notably the Most Famous Pagan Holiday's New Fake Traditionally Christian Teachings... I thought I was an easy candidate. I brushed up and took the citizenship test a month after turning my application in and was denied due to not having a perfect score, and asked to re-test next year. I kid you not, they wanted every question on this 409 point short answer essay exactly correct. Rough! I lived on the streets for another year following this blatant failure, often subjected to the same harsh treatment I was forced to endure in my old neighborhood. I lost my right foot and chipped many teeth in this year. Hopeful for a brighter future, I studied our scriptures daily until it was time for me to take the test again. I did, and was accepted into The Christmas Village. Since then, my life has been what you might call "perfect sensual bliss"... truly! Plants and crystals and love surround me, as well as herbs. I love it here, now. I give this village a 3 star rating because the test should not require a perfect score. That is all!